A review of New Moon from a Twilight hating feminist

I was warned..but foolishly I heeded these wise words and dragged my feet towards the cinema, after coaxing from friends and my 50-year-old mother I decided to see New Moon.

Now anyone who knows me knows my hatred for the vampire franchise is a layered affair.

I hate the first film, I hate the characters, I hate the story.

We digress.

I went into this film with an open mind, determined to be impartial but five minutes in that flew out the window.

In one of the opening shots, our “heroine” Bella is lying on her bed with a copy of Romeo and Juliet beside her, they camera op. manages to capture the large bold title.

Clearly new moon has high aspirations. Shakespeare must be rolling in his grave.

The film revolves around Bella, who at the age of 18 seems to have no dreams, hopes or aspirations. Despite being 18 we have no idea what she wants to do with her life.

Does she want to go to college? Does she want a job? Does she want to move out of her small Washington town?

The only thing the filmmakers have given us about her character is that she is completely and irrevocably in love with Edward “sparkles” Cullen.

In fact her entire life revolves around him.

She is clearly a great role model for teenage girls everywhere.

Edward is a morose, sullen vampire who also seems to lake aspirations and only smiles once in this two hour and ten minute film.

Bella is worried that now she is 18 she will be to old for the eternally 17-years-old Edward. The fact that he has been alive for over a hundred years and craves her blood does not.

At a birthday party at Edwards house Bella gets a paper cut, as his adoptive brother jasper (who looks remarkably like Harpo Marx) rears his boofy blonde mop to attack her and drink her blood Edward shoves her into a table causing her whole arm to bleed.

Nice one buddy.

After this incident, Edward decides he can no longer be around her as he will always bring danger in her life and not be able to protect her.

He believes if he is gone she will no longer be in danger.

He then preceeds to leave her in the middle of the woods that is infested with vampires (including several who want to kill her) and werewolves.

She passes out from exhaustion and is rescued by a werewolf and returned to her father, a local sheriff, who has gathered a lot of help in town to try and track her down.

She takes his kind, fatherly concern and throws it back in his face, locking herself away from the world for months on end and waking screaming every god damn night waking up her father.

Then along comes a werewolf named Jacob Black whose muscular torso you would have seen all over television and the internet.

The rest of the movie alternates been Bella cock-teasing the werewolf and moping about her lost love because clearly 18-yaer-old love is the be all and end all.

There’s also a bunch of ridiculous shit were she sees the ghost of Edward everytime she gets an adrenaline rush, so she hits on local bikies, makes Jacob build her a motorbike from scratch then jumps off a cliff to see the Edward ghost warn her that she’s being reckless.

Instead of checking herself into a mental institution the first time this happens she keeps pushing the boundaries so she can see him again.

Clearly a photograph is not good enough for Bella.

The film is about half an hour to long and the action scenes lack any energy, the whole film seems to just sap the energy right out of you.

The best thing I can say about the film is that it is better then the first in terms of production values and watchability.

I vow that I will never see the third one though which I imagine will be out sometime soon.

All the negative reviews in the world will not stop hoardes of screaming girls going to this film though and more people went to see this film on opening day then did the The Dark Knight.

This is a film that is made for the fans and clearly will not disappoint them, if you are not familiar with the franchise or hated the first one, please avoid like the plague, I wish I had listened to them.